Yesterday, upon the stair, I met a man who wasn't there

Actually, it was 8.30am last Sunday and the man in question was certainly there on the landing, in body and wearing only a pair of boxers, but sadly not in spirit. I was making a move upwards with the intention of taking a shower. Another one of those pointless conversations at which our family are so adept ensued.

What are you doing?
I heard a banging noise
I’ve been listening to banging noises since you came in at half past five
I think there’s someone in there
Where? The airing cupboard?
I think there’s someone in the bathroom
Well, who could it be?
I don’t know
Well, why don’t you open the door and find out?
I’m not sure
Well I’ll open the bloody door then. I want a shower.

At this point, some dawning of memory obviously kicks in.

It’s alright mum
No it’s not bloody well alright. I want a shower.
I’ve got it under control
Got what under control?
I’m not alone

Now some sense of understanding kicks in with me

Is there a woman in the bathroom?
Yes
Who is it?

Memory not so good at this point.

For God’s sake Jack. I want to get to the boot sale.

The boot sale is very good. I am stocking up on Christmas presents owing to the fact that I won’t be able to buy anyone anything good once I become an impoverished student for the third time. I also bought myself a Beanie Baby pterodactyl in pristine condition with label attached for 50p. I arrive home and show my goodies to Jack. He informs me I have purchased a collector’s item and will make a killing. I will be able to buy proper Christmas presents. We rush to the internet and discover that the going rate for Swoop, the pterodactyl is 99p. That’s 49p profit which will be negated by the postage for selling it on eBay. Jack’s not looking too good.

So who was that in the bathroom then?
I’m really sorry mum
Was it Sami?
No it was Laura
What, big Laura?
No. The other Laura
Where did she go?
Big Laura came and got her
Where does she live?
I don’t know. I was trying to help her out
Oh. Is that what they call it now? This house is too small for that.
I’m really sorry mum.