Testing

The car and I are due a service and an MOT. Both of us bear the scars of a year in France and too many journeys back and forth to West Barbary. And the two of us boast an intermittent tinny rattle to the rear. The car’s going in tomorrow. Today was my turn. I complimented the doctor on his bright green shirt and told him I’d abandoned the Statins.

Any particular reason why he asked?
Well, I’ve read they disturb your sleep patterns I answered. I didn’t tell him my sleep has no patterns or that I’ve been au fait with the BBC World Service throughout the night for some years.

Anything else he asked?
Well, I’ve heard that they can enhance depression and I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. I didn’t tell him that I live in Cornwall.

And?
Well, I’ve also read that cholesterol is not a sound indicator of potential stroke in women.
Damn the media came the reply.

Hmmmm. Since when was information the resource of a privileged few I think.

He reads my mind and gets the scales out in retaliation. Fortuitously, they register weight in EU standards so I have no idea how fat I am apart from the fact that none of my clothes fit me.

Your cholesterol is too high he says.
Your blood pressure is too high he says.
I’m giving up smoking on April 4th I say in an effort to negotiate a sense of well-being
How many do you smoke he asks?
Does it matter? You try doing the A30 I don’t reply.

I went to the hospital two weeks ago to have my ears sorted out.

How many cigarettes do you smoke asked the consultant?
Sorry, I can’t hear you. My ears are full of smoke.

Fasting blood tests are the order of the day. Hope it’s a bit more positive with the car.