Another day in the life of.......

I’ve been looking for daughter number one. It’s another lovely evening so she must be out with the dog; except that the dog is indoors barking at the person knocking outside. Me. Daughter number one phones and we have another of those conversations about people I don’t know and things I don’t understand.

Daughter: I’ve had to wait for Mrs Hardy outside her mother’s house because we’re borrowing the fridge for two weeks.
Me: Mrs Hardy’s fridge?
Daughter: No, her mother’s fridge.
Me: Who is Mrs Hardy?
Daughter: Mr Hardy’s wife.
Me: Who is Mr Hardy?
Daughter: Clive.
Me: Doesn’t Mrs Hardy’s mother need her fridge?
Daughter: She’s dead.
Me (knowing how quickly my daughter can spot an opportunity): When did she die? (please don’t say this morning)
Daughter: February.
Me: Why are you only having it for two weeks?......... and so this meaningless communication continues.

Prior to that, I was painting the fence. Again. I’ve been painting the fence for over a week now. I’ve been waiting for one of the Twilight Zone inhabitants to move her car so I don’t splash it. She comes out to watch just in case. A one-sided conversation ensues about the local wild life, most of which currently reside in my small hedge. Five sparrows, a squirrel and two pigeons that are making a nest. Irritating neighbour tells me how she and the other Kraken, the one that started all this fence business by pushing a note of complaint through my door about the disreputable state of my woodwork, have finally managed to have all of another neighbour’s trees chopped down. Well, that explains the influx of starlings on my pocket handkerchief-sized lawn then. Poor buggers have nowhere else to go. Yesterday, I lived in a place called Tree Hamlets. Today, it’s apparently called No-Tree Hamlets.

Then she moves on to the global threat caused by squirrels. I haven’t yet responded although I’m finding the therapeutic benefits gained by splashing a lot of paint around waning. After this, she starts on the pigeons. I’ve got a pair nesting in my bush I report happily. Oh, we don’t want pigeons. They poo on the cars and take all the paint off. I’ll have to come out and bang on the fence with a broom she says. I try to explain that it won’t be necessary. Last year, the same two stupid pigeons tried to build a nest in exactly the same place and gave up after they crashed through the branches that couldn’t withstand the weight of so much activity. Presumably, they have short memories. And, she continues, someone is feeding the seagulls and they’re pooing all over the place. I know she thinks that ‘someone’ is me. I can’t resist it. It’s not me. I don’t feed the birds since the rat arrived I tell her. RAT! She screams. Did you see it? Oh yes. Every day. It sits on the lawn and smiles at me. I’m not telling her I haven’t seen it since February when I devised my patent rat deterrent which involves putting the rat poison, replete with picture of said vermin, in the shed window so that it can see what’s in store should it attempt a come-back.

Before any of that I had a day at work which included three visits to Kwik-Fit who weren’t that quick; otherwise it wouldn’t have taken three visits! It started at 8.30am with too much information about a stranded lorry driver who needed a number two, continued at 10.30am with the news that the radio that was working at 8.30am no longer worked due to a wrong code (only went in to get the brake fluid changed) and terminated at 4pm having bought a new battery and brake light and being informed that the toilet was still at DEF COM 2.

In between that lot, I had a student who, having failed all his exams, told me how boring it was having to live at home. I pointed out that he got fed, had his washing done and was loved. Don’t come to me looking for the sympathy vote sonny. Especially as student number two was also living at home due to all kinds of appalling problems that a young person shouldn’t have to bear. Student number three arrived armed with a card on which she had written that I was a star, a box of chocolates and a huge bouquet of flowers. It only takes one to make it all worthwhile.