Up in smoke

Here’s a thing now. I always thought parents who hated their children took them to Asda to give them a bad time. Or any supermarket actually. Doesn’t matter: you can hear them shrieking and screaming down the aisles….Tesco’s Finest child abuse. But there’s another seasonal treat (or trick) lurking in the forest.

Once I’d learned how to spell it, I’d always had a bit of a thing about Beaulieu. It has the potential to suit everyone really: stately home that’s not too large, loads of shiny cars, a James Bond exhibition which means Daniel Craig, gardens, a ruined abbey….is there an abbey in England that’s not in ruins? Good old Henry. Tonight, according to the irritating compere of the fancy dress competition, folk had come as far as Salisbury and Saudi Arabia to be with us. And there were thousands of the living dead milling around to enjoy a celebratory combination of Halloween and Guy Fawkes. Tall pointed hats are definitely the ‘must have’ this season; although there was also an assembly of brides, pumpkins, ghouls and ghost-busters.

Beaulieu managed to let itself down somewhat though through sheer avarice and lack of toilets. Generally, once you’ve taken out the mortgage to gain access, everything else is free. And, to be fair, the entry fee is not comparable to that charged at other stately joints such as Longleat which has gone from a venue of regular outings to a once in a blue moon treat. Folk of my longevity can remember sneaking into Lord Bath’s pile via the rear entrance at Shearwater where, incidentally, rhododendron bush jumping used to be all the rage for those used to the quiet life in Wiltshire. To quote Alan Bennett, it’s gone out a bit now, like stamp collecting.

Making the most of the hordes, the powers that be in the forest had decided to charge extra for the mini fun-fair, for the mono-rail, for the Wheels exhibition, well….for everything really. Still, we were not to be deterred and the Michael Jackson tribute act was free; which was just as well as it was probably the worst I’d ever seen. The weather held out for the fireworks and they were superb. I’m not a big fan of fireworks….I have to fight to stop thinking of all that money going literally up in smoke. I liked it though. But herein lies the rub. Everywhere I looked, including our own immediate party, were parents insistent on pleasure. And they were all sheltering small children whose ears were covered in protection from loud frightening noises in the dark. Seems a funny sort of place to take a scared kid for pleasure. It was a bit like the Bambi deer who were cowering on the roadside on the way home as motorists thundered past faster than the speed of light as they made up for the hour long queue to get out of the forest.